Thursday, April 1, 2010

If

I wonder if I will post this post.

If I do post this, and you see me in "real life," I'd prefer it if you didn't mention that you read this. We'll just pretend together that you did not.

I thought I had learned to stop thinking in ifs.

I thought I had gained this wisdom, this ability to analyze, to see things a certain way.....

I thought I was brave.

If I had never had my miscarriages, I would not have known Brody.

If I had stopped at two miscarriages, I would have a daughter today.

I am 39 years old.

I became pregnant the first month we tried, every single time.

If I was smarter, I would have heeded that experience.

I am late.

Just a week.

But I know. Women like me know.

And I know it will end, like all the others did, except for one.

If I was wiser, I would hope and be grateful for this.

Even for this short time.

I have had 5 miscarriages in my life, 4 before Brody and 1 after.

If I was someone else, my husband would be overjoyed that we were expecting.

Instead, we wait quietly. He doesn't know what to say and I don't know what I want to hear.

It wasn't until tonight, in the quiet of the house, with both boys asleep....

Before I had Brody, I didn't realize what was ending, each time that it ended, I mean. I knew it was an end, and that I wouldn't know her laugh, or his eyes.

But tonight, I thought of Brody. And I thought, if I was someone else, I would be carrying his brother or his sister. And we would be a family of four. Instead....

I heard a story of a woman recently who tried for 10 years to get pregnant. Then she adopted a beautiful baby girl. And then she got pregnant about a year later. And do you know what happened? She miscarried. After seeing the heartbeat.

It is a persistent question, for women like us.  Why? Why.

Why is it some women get pregnant so easily and have easy pregnancies? Why is it some women get pregnant easily and can't make it past 7 weeks? Why is it some women never even get pregnant, but would be such amazing mothers? Why does a woman who can't get pregnant for 10 years, with IVF, suddenly get pregnant, only to miscarry?

What is the point?

Why is it that just when I am healed, the old wound is reopened, and suddenly it's 2004 all over again?

I've already apologized.

The treatment I would need needed to start a few months ago. And it would cost about $6500.

If I was coherent, I would recognize the difference between what I can control and what I cannot and make peace with it.

If I was wise, I would stop asking why.

If I could keep you, my sweet little one, I would.

7 comments:

The Stringham 5 said...

(((((HUGS))))) Chris. I cannot imagine what you must be going through. I'm sorry.

pattinase (abbott) said...

You can make me so sad.

SaRaH said...

Oh my sweet girl, my heart aches for you. I'm sorry I didn't read this earlier. A million hugs and prayers and everything coming your way.

Hef said...

I wish I knew what to say, but every time I start typing, it just doesn't sound right. I will say that I adore you so incredibly much and I'm so incredibly sorry that you are dealing with this... that you've had to deal with this at all. Another million hugs and prayers and everything coming your way.

Robyn said...

I don't understand why. I wish I did. Maybe it would be comforting. Maybe it wouldn't. Either way, I love you and my heart aches for you. Hold that precious boy close.

Jacque said...

((HUGS)) So sorry. :(

Hez said...

Thinking of you, wishing has hard as I can that it could be different for you.