I wonder if I will post this post.
If I do post this, and you see me in "real life," I'd prefer it if you didn't mention that you read this. We'll just pretend together that you did not.
I thought I had learned to stop thinking in ifs.
I thought I had gained this wisdom, this ability to analyze, to see things a certain way.....
I thought I was brave.
If I had never had my miscarriages, I would not have known Brody.
If I had stopped at two miscarriages, I would have a daughter today.
I am 39 years old.
I became pregnant the first month we tried, every single time.
If I was smarter, I would have heeded that experience.
I am late.
Just a week.
But I know. Women like me know.
And I know it will end, like all the others did, except for one.
If I was wiser, I would hope and be grateful for this.
Even for this short time.
I have had 5 miscarriages in my life, 4 before Brody and 1 after.
If I was someone else, my husband would be overjoyed that we were expecting.
Instead, we wait quietly. He doesn't know what to say and I don't know what I want to hear.
It wasn't until tonight, in the quiet of the house, with both boys asleep....
Before I had Brody, I didn't realize what was ending, each time that it ended, I mean. I knew it was an end, and that I wouldn't know her laugh, or his eyes.
But tonight, I thought of Brody. And I thought, if I was someone else, I would be carrying his brother or his sister. And we would be a family of four. Instead....
I heard a story of a woman recently who tried for 10 years to get pregnant. Then she adopted a beautiful baby girl. And then she got pregnant about a year later. And do you know what happened? She miscarried. After seeing the heartbeat.
It is a persistent question, for women like us. Why? Why.
Why is it some women get pregnant so easily and have easy pregnancies? Why is it some women get pregnant easily and can't make it past 7 weeks? Why is it some women never even get pregnant, but would be such amazing mothers? Why does a woman who can't get pregnant for 10 years, with IVF, suddenly get pregnant, only to miscarry?
What is the point?
Why is it that just when I am healed, the old wound is reopened, and suddenly it's 2004 all over again?
I've already apologized.
The treatment I would need needed to start a few months ago. And it would cost about $6500.
If I was coherent, I would recognize the difference between what I can control and what I cannot and make peace with it.
If I was wise, I would stop asking why.
If I could keep you, my sweet little one, I would.