Wednesday, April 28, 2010

An Embarrassment of Riches

This will be the title of a book I'm writing, hopefully. Because really. This is ridiculous.

You each, you women, have warmed my heart and made me overflow with gratitude with your donations. I just . . . you are not the ones I meant to donate to the cause enfant, but you did, and I'm pretty sure you are not wealthy and I'm pretty sure you have bills just like me, and I've never even met you in person. And yet. . . .

and yet and yet and yet, you clicked that button and gave a substantial amount of money to me, a virtual friend.

And you know what it has taught me? That even if Brody never has a brother or a sister, he will have a family of his heart, as I do here. What wondrous women you all are. How can I be alone when I have all of you? Thank you thank you thank you.

Now for the rest of it.

April 30 - intake appointment at the ob/gyn. But NO ULTRASOUND.

May 4 - next ultrasound.

May 11 -  we leave for France.

This was the thought flow in my head yesterday:

I need another check NOW, NOW, NOW! How can I get it? How can I get it? What could I tell them? I called and she said I couldn't absolutely couldn't get an ultrasound on Friday. WTF? What do I do? What can I do to make them give me an ultrasound? I don't think there's a heartbeat anymore. I want to know now if there's no heartbeat. What can I do? What can I do? I should just assume there is no heartbeat. We'll find that out on Tuesday, May 4. . . . ok ok ok ok. . . . I have no time at work to schedule a D&C between May 4 and the day we leave, May 11. Hmmm. . . . ok ok, think think think.....If I stop the progesterone May 4, I'll probably start miscarrying on May 7, oh lovely, just in time for Mother's Day and my mom's visit, but I'd rather have a natural miscarriage rather than a D&C, because I don't want to have general anesthetic. Well, if I miscarry in France, that will ruin the vacation. But last time it just hurt really bad during two nights, then it was fine. I'll be fine. Should we cancel the trip? This is crazy to go when I'm miscarrying isnt' it? Ah, jeez, on that long flight while miscarrying? Shit shit shit. I need another check now now NOW.

And then .. . . . my head imploded a little bit. And then this was my thought flow:

What the hell are you thinking, Chris? My God, I am having the same control issues I’ve always had. I don't even know if there's still a heartbeat or not and I am planning how and where to miscarry? That's sick. But I don't "feel" pregnant. But I didn't "feel" pregnant last Tuesday either. It's like I haven't learned anything in the years between 2004 and 2010. Life happens. Death happens. Miscarriages happen. I control zero of it. I cannot bend a doctor's office scheduler to my will. They aren't going to give me an ultrasound til the 4th. It's a week. If the worst has happened, so be it. I will be okay. WE will be okay. No matter what, I have Jeremy and Brody, and my friends, and our family, and we are blessed in ways uncountable. We'll be alright, and we will have the trip of our lives in two weeks no matter what. No.Matter.What.

So that's where I am right now.

I'm just so tired of trying to control this. It feels like trying to climb a 100 foot high wall with only my fingernails. I'm tired of living in an angst-filled limbo. I'm tired of worrying, and wondering, and waiting and worrying. I'm tired of putting my life on hold and becoming obsessed with trying to do something that isn't my job to do.

Just like it's not my job to figure out whether another ash cloud will prevent us from going to, or returning from, France, it is also not my job to obsessively fixate on whether there is still a heartbeat. There was last week. Since then, I've done all that is within my power to keep her in there, and I will continue to do all within my power to keep her healthy. Shots, meds, tests.... but I am going to stop trying to unsuccessfully do the other stuff.

I'm done. I'm giving it up. I hope.

It is maddening, madness, trying to control what I really cannot. What I'm not supposed to control. I control when I take these meds and how often I shower. I control what speed my car goes; I control what clothes Brody wears.

I'm not supposed to control miscarriages and volcanos. I'm supposed to hope, and to pray, for the best outcome.

When I think about the things in my daily life that seep into me and make me anxious, it is the things I cannot control. Other people's opinions, whether Brody's kidney will keep functioning, whether he will have good friends in school, what the judge will rule, what the jury will say, what the clients will think, what the doctor will say, what the genetics will be, what the review will say, what the witness will testify. . . .

I think it's healthy to hope for outcomes, but why do I spend my energy on worrying about them? What the hell is that about? What purpose does it serve? None.

So I'm done. Or I hope I'm done.

I give up.

I have no idea how these next two weeks before our trip will go. (Duh, you say. But to me, it’s a revelation). But whatever happens, I will be okay. I have Jeremy and Brody and friends. . . I have friends on facebook that I’ve known for decades that have posted the nicest messages to me. I have you, I have my sisters, and my mom. And whatever happens, it is an adventure. Perhaps one I do not want to experience, but one I am determined will teach me things I need to know.

The man who said this is probably a bit of a charlatan. But I like the quote anyway. “Control is never achieved when sought after directly. It is the surprising outcome of letting go.”

Here’s hoping.


Shannon said...

As a former worrier of epic proportions, I have learned in the last few years about the power of positive thinking. Sometimes, when I really want something, I sit in the sun and imagine my life exactly as I am hoping it will be. I think to myself that everything WILL work out, and it will all be ok. I let everything else go and just feel peace. Just sayin...

Robyn said...

I love that you call her "she." I think she's a girl, too. I pray for you both several times a day.

Rebecca Batey Fradin said...

Yanno...frankly...I think if your OB is worth his/her nut s/he will give you an ultrasound whenever just for peace of mind.


After everything you've been through you deserve some peace of mind. I know LOTS of our kinds of (super)moms who have OBs willing to do this for them.

Ooo...or write a Rx for one of those doppler


By the way, if you start noticing lots of hits from the Chicago area that's just me borderline stalking you. :) wishes...prayers,

Tracy said...

I can't imagine how you feel. Strike that yes I do. I actually went through that with Maggie in the beginning. We had thought we had lost her, had bleeding and everything. I went to the ER and they did a sono. Amazingly enough she was there! It was very hard beacuse like you said its just out of your control.

Curious, have you ever thought of adoption? My husband will tell you its a wonderful thing. Like you my mother in law had many miscarriages and was unable have children. So she adopted two boys. Amazingly enough I'm happy she did because well, I wouldn't be married to the oaf, and have the beautiful girls that I have. LOL!

Even though I have four girls Tim and I would like to adopt( can't have kids anymore :<(

A friend of mine just adopted a little boy. They have one biological child (she couldn't have anymore either) and she said it was a beautiful thing. Now they have a girl and a boy and are just so wonderfully happy.

Jill said...

When I was expecting Piper we wanted to know what she was, boy or girl. We were told there would be no more ultrasounds because everything was going well. We decided to go to a 3D Ultrasound place to see her and find out her gender. It was $100 but, if it gives you piece of mind it is worth every cent.

Hez said...

Thinking of you, praying for all of you!!

Jacque said...

How did the u/s go today????

Christine said...

Thank you again so much! Jacque - ultrasound is tomorrow (Tuesday).

Jacque said...

I don't know why, but I was thinking yesterday was the 4th! Praying and hoping...and praying and hoping....praying... Hope it goes perfectly. Can't wait to hear!!

Jacque said...
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