Friday, July 24, 2009

Some honest scrap

“The Honest Scrap award is given by other bloggers who consider a blog’s content or design to be brilliant. The awardee must then post ten honest things about themselves and pass the award on to other bloggers who fit the bill – in other words, whose blog is brilliant.”
Thank you to Hef from Spewage and Nic from Single Mom in the City, who both gave me this award. That's pretty swank. So here we go......
Oh wait, before we start, to read an update and see pics of our (successful) Salt Lake trip, here is the link to the carepage.
1. I've been avoiding doing this. Make of that what you will.
2. At the urging of my friend Megan, her mother Patti (both of whom are published authors), my mother, my husband, sisters, sister-in law, and a few friends, my goal before 2009 is finished is to write a book proposal chronicling the adventures of recurrent miscarriage, living with Vacterl, and being a complete mess on a semi-regular basis.
3. The vacation contest. I really, really, really, want to win. Really. We are the 2nd highest vote getter: see here. But the judges can still pick any one of the 15 for 1st, 2nd and 3rd. And the highest votes (50,000+) were for a kid with muscular dystrophy who is in a wheelchair and on a vent. But my hopes are so high that on a daily basis I go to the website and pick out my dream vacations: most recurrent are St. Thomas and Villefranche-sur-Mer, France.
4. Lately I've been having moments at night where I imagine the moment of my death. And how devastatingly terrifying it is. And unbelievable. It really really really sucks and I'm trying to stop. I also have been having fears of me contracting some kind of cancer, or having a stroke. I think as the anxiety about B's health issues wanes, my sick little mind wants to focus on something else. I should probably be on paxil. But I'm not.
5. If I was not married or did not have a child, I'd probably be living in Europe. In the UK or France. I love it there. Growing up, we went to Germany a few times (my mom was born in Karlsruhe) and Paris. I love Germany too. I love the different-ness, and how close Europe is to even more exciting places I want to visit. In many ways I feel like home there.
6. If I had it all to do again, I would not be a lawyer. I'd be a psychologist or forensic anthropologist. Or I'd marry rich. Or be a teacher not because I'd be good at it but just to have summers off. I really do love the job I have now, but it's actually a really difficult career. There are so many land mines you could step on at any moment and other lawyers (on the other side of a lawsuit) are, well, jerks. And I'm a jerk to them too (when I have to be only). And most of the time when I'm in court, before I speak I feel sick to my stomach. I love the investigation side though, and the writing.
7. On at least a weekly basis, I look at Brody and marvel at how beautiful and clever he is. I get teary-eyed about it. I imagine how different my life would be without having ever known him, how much less vivid and less purposeful it would feel. Less heartache, too, and less worry, but also much much less joy. I don't know how it is, but I love him more every day. Probably more every hour.
8. Some of my favorite people in this life are women who I have never actually "met," except online. Their wit, wisdom and courage make me want to be a better person.
9. I was hating our house a few weeks ago, the lack of a master bath, no closet space, the crappy kitchen, the lack of new-ness (built in 1964). I went online and searched for houses in our price range that were for sale with all of the bells and whistles. I found some, but they lacked what I really love about our house and (surprising myself) consider essential: our neighbors and old growth trees. So now I'm oddly content with our house, even though it's a damn mess most of the time.
I then did the same thing (sort of) with children. I imagined if I could have children with no problem, and if we had a lot of money, if I would want another one. The answer was, surprisingly, only maybe. The truth is, I don't really feel incomplete. The three of us are a family and, let's face it, children are a lot of work. I don't know if I want the newborn experience again. I don't know if I want to spend less time with Brody. I don't know. And oddly, that has eased my heart a little bit.
10. I sabotage myself. In any number of ways. This is a recent revelation for me and it tells me that on some deep and very well-defended level I do not think myself worthy of not sabotaging. I don't know what to do with this knowledge.
That is my ten. Here are the two to whom I will pass on the challenge:


AnonMom said...

I enjoyed reading these, Christine, and I can agree with you on so many levels.

There are times I wish I could have another little one ... but then I remember ... the newborn thing is NUTS!


Robyn said...

3. I still think you deserve it more. That young man has already been to the beach, according to their entry.

6. I don't get summers off. Unfortunately.

7. I totally understand you.

8. Yes. You.

pattinase (abbott) said...

Okay you have now stated it: you will write that book. All of the skills needed are in place and you have a very important story to tell. Your insights are invaluable.
And I pray you win that vacation.

pattinase (abbott) said...

Also Josh feels the same way entering a courtroom and loves the research. Also my kitchen is still crap and it doesn't matter. Truly. GP makes us think otherwise.

Melissa Ramirez said...

My son will have pollicization on August 12 at the Shriner's Hospital in Shreveport. This will be Elijah's 9th surgery and he is 2.5 years old. I have to say, of all the surgeries, I'm really, really nervous about this one. Tell me about Brody's pain after surgery, how long did he have to wear a cast and did he have a pin after the surgery...for how long? How is his functionality with the new thumb? Elijah has had wrist centralization on both arms (he has no radius bones and no thumbs). Both pins in his wrists have had to come out earlier than his doctors want due to infection and slippage. Have you experienced that. I'd love to hear your perspective.

SaRaH said...

2. Can't wait to read it.
3. Any updates on this? I keep checking the site...
6. That is so interesting to me. I assume that people that so obviously have it all together (YOU) -- are the masters of all. Being nervous about speaking or not enjoying the verbal sparring can't keep you from being the best gosh darned lawyer there ever was.
7. Me too.
8. Me, TOO.