A few nights ago, in the living room, Brody was playing with parts of an erector set. He had two sticks, and he said they were his baby.
He went to Jeremy and imitated, with disturbing accuracy, the incessant "Wah wah wah" of a newborn. Then Brody said in a soothing, lilting voice, "Its okay, baby. It's okay." And the "baby" stopped crying.
Jeremy muttered under his breath, "So, basically, you're more ready for this baby than I am."
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Update
I just found this blog and am in love with that little boy. He is SO cute. Not to mention that this is a spectacular list of books for me to read at B's school. The rest of the blog has lots of pictures, and is very interesting to read about their adventures.
I talked some more to B about the questions. He's pretty secure - we say "Nothing's wrong with my arm, it's not a big deal, I was just born like that," etc.
I asked him which friend asked him about his arm. He said, "a lot of dem do." :-( I think I know it was daycare, not preschool. So that's where I'm volunteering first.
He still likes going to school. But he has been sleeping with us every night. Still scared of the dark.
So I'm going to his school at some point, not sure when, to read some books about differences. And I'm re-drafting and re-deciminating the letter to parents (and teachers) because, well, everyone needs to be educated.
I also got in trouble from MY mom for not telling her I was contracting. Sorry mutti. I didn't want to worry her, but then she read it HERE.
My contractions stopped by the time I went to sleep Friday night. They haven't returned. I think I was very dehydrated. I'm off bedrest - didn't even need to go see doctor. Have been at work and feeling very good. In a walrus sort of waddling way.
Here's a question for those moms with partners: when I go play with Brody, I rarely ask J to join in. I view it as Mommy/B time, and as Daddy rest time. When J goes off to play with B, though, the most 'break' I get is 3 minutes, then it's screaming for me to come and join them in the fun. But I just wanted to watched My Fair Wedding or The Office episode I missed or read Us Weekly. It's so annoying. I love playing with B, but sometimes, it's nice to have some me time, especially since I'm about to lose ME time for a long time in a few weeks. Anyway, do other partners do this? Or is it just me and my one friend's, to whom I've already complained? :-)
Finally, we decided not to do the 3D/4D ultrasound. $159 is just too much - it's pretty much the budget for furnishing the rest of bubba's room. I'm hoping this means bubba will stay put long enough to make it to the scheduled December 1 c-section.
I talked some more to B about the questions. He's pretty secure - we say "Nothing's wrong with my arm, it's not a big deal, I was just born like that," etc.
I asked him which friend asked him about his arm. He said, "a lot of dem do." :-( I think I know it was daycare, not preschool. So that's where I'm volunteering first.
He still likes going to school. But he has been sleeping with us every night. Still scared of the dark.
So I'm going to his school at some point, not sure when, to read some books about differences. And I'm re-drafting and re-deciminating the letter to parents (and teachers) because, well, everyone needs to be educated.
I also got in trouble from MY mom for not telling her I was contracting. Sorry mutti. I didn't want to worry her, but then she read it HERE.
My contractions stopped by the time I went to sleep Friday night. They haven't returned. I think I was very dehydrated. I'm off bedrest - didn't even need to go see doctor. Have been at work and feeling very good. In a walrus sort of waddling way.
Here's a question for those moms with partners: when I go play with Brody, I rarely ask J to join in. I view it as Mommy/B time, and as Daddy rest time. When J goes off to play with B, though, the most 'break' I get is 3 minutes, then it's screaming for me to come and join them in the fun. But I just wanted to watched My Fair Wedding or The Office episode I missed or read Us Weekly. It's so annoying. I love playing with B, but sometimes, it's nice to have some me time, especially since I'm about to lose ME time for a long time in a few weeks. Anyway, do other partners do this? Or is it just me and my one friend's, to whom I've already complained? :-)
Finally, we decided not to do the 3D/4D ultrasound. $159 is just too much - it's pretty much the budget for furnishing the rest of bubba's room. I'm hoping this means bubba will stay put long enough to make it to the scheduled December 1 c-section.
Friday, October 8, 2010
Already?
I thought about 2 hours ago that I'd be blogging about my contractions. But now, I have this thing to write. Because I feel so inadequte to deal with it. Oh, the contractions have slowed. I'm on bedrest.
I was laying with Brody after we read our books for the night. We talked about letters and sounds they make. And then he said, "My friends ask me what's wrong wis my arm." And he held up his right arm.
I asked him what he said to them. He said, "I tell dem I'm getting a checkup."
I asked him how he felt when they asked that question. I said, "Do you feel happy? Or sad? Or strange?"
He was silent and he wouldn't look at me. He said finally, "I feel strange. I feeled ..... embarrassed."
And then I hugged him so hard and I told him he had nothing, nothing to be embarrassed about and that his arms were perfect and beautiful just the way they are and I love him and his arms and his nose and when someone asks him what's wrong with his arm he should say "Nothing" and then I told him he was just born that way and he can do everything he wants to and it's cool to be different and have a hand that looks different because it's boring to be the same. And he was hugging me like I was hugging him and my tears were falling into his hair and I just kept telling him over and over how much I loved him and how wonderful and beautiful he is.....
And then I said, "what do we say when your friends ask what's wrong with your arm?" and he said, "Nothing!" and I said "And it's cool to be different," and he said "Yeah! Cool," and he started playing with a toy that he'd been holding and because of how his wrist is bent he can fit it into a part of the toy so I said how cool it was that he could do that with his hand and how his friends couldn't do that....I couldn't do that.
Then he was quiet again and I asked him what he was thinking about and he said what to be for Halloween and now he wants to be Superman. And I made him laugh and giggle, and held him until he fell asleep.
But what the hell?
Already? He feels shame, and that's on us, isn't it? We missed it, and our boy felt ashamed of himself. And I never want him to feel embarrassed again.
So what do I do? We tell him we love his arms but he hears us talking to OTs and surgeons about straightening it. Is that how he learned it? How do I make whatever he learned that made him feel bad go away?
My beautiful, sweet, smart, strong son.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
I was laying with Brody after we read our books for the night. We talked about letters and sounds they make. And then he said, "My friends ask me what's wrong wis my arm." And he held up his right arm.
I asked him what he said to them. He said, "I tell dem I'm getting a checkup."
I asked him how he felt when they asked that question. I said, "Do you feel happy? Or sad? Or strange?"
He was silent and he wouldn't look at me. He said finally, "I feel strange. I feeled ..... embarrassed."
And then I hugged him so hard and I told him he had nothing, nothing to be embarrassed about and that his arms were perfect and beautiful just the way they are and I love him and his arms and his nose and when someone asks him what's wrong with his arm he should say "Nothing" and then I told him he was just born that way and he can do everything he wants to and it's cool to be different and have a hand that looks different because it's boring to be the same. And he was hugging me like I was hugging him and my tears were falling into his hair and I just kept telling him over and over how much I loved him and how wonderful and beautiful he is.....
And then I said, "what do we say when your friends ask what's wrong with your arm?" and he said, "Nothing!" and I said "And it's cool to be different," and he said "Yeah! Cool," and he started playing with a toy that he'd been holding and because of how his wrist is bent he can fit it into a part of the toy so I said how cool it was that he could do that with his hand and how his friends couldn't do that....I couldn't do that.
Then he was quiet again and I asked him what he was thinking about and he said what to be for Halloween and now he wants to be Superman. And I made him laugh and giggle, and held him until he fell asleep.
But what the hell?
Already? He feels shame, and that's on us, isn't it? We missed it, and our boy felt ashamed of himself. And I never want him to feel embarrassed again.
So what do I do? We tell him we love his arms but he hears us talking to OTs and surgeons about straightening it. Is that how he learned it? How do I make whatever he learned that made him feel bad go away?
My beautiful, sweet, smart, strong son.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Updates
Copied from B's carepages:
I'm really writing this update as a call for information, if any of you have experience with bilateral radial hypoplasia (club hands).
First, some background: Brody was born without thumbs and without radius bones in his forearms. When one does not have radius bones, the hands grow inward - at around 90 degrees (or more). The first surgical step is to centralize (ie, straighten) the wrist, so that it comes off the arm at 180 degrees, not 90 (increasing reach and functionality).
We've done that on both of Brody's arms. One arm - the left, dominant hand - is doing a great job at staying straight. The other arm has a mind of its own, and has come back to almost 90 degrees, despite the surgery.
We've consulted with Shriners and with the occupational therapists at Children's Hospital in Denver. Here is the gist of what they say: this happens. Sometimes the surgery doesn't work as well as we would hope. It's a constant tension/battle between surgical procedure vs. an arm that naturally grows its own way, ie, 90 degrees. When Brody reaches skeletal maturity, at 16 or 17 or 18, we can - if Brody wants - surgically fuse the hand onto the end of the wrist, so this issue does not reappear in adulthood.
The options we are faced with now are:
1. Re-do the surgery. Risks? Affecting the growth plate on that arm, stunting that arm's growth (his arms are already around 60% of average arm length).
2. Serial casting. Putting Brody in an arm cast to hold his hand at 180 degrees, for 3 weeks, to stretch the tendons out. Then creating a night splint that Brody sleeps in.
3. Night splint only.
4. Nothing.
We've told Brody repeatedly - since he is now at the age that he can understand what we're tlaking about at doctors' appointments - that we love his arms and think his hands are marvelous. In fact, the OT said his right thumb was stronger than his left, and he uses it more. Nevertheless, Brody says he wants the right hand to get straight. Why? Two reasons: 1. He wants it "to match" his other arm; and 2. He wants to be able to shoot webs (a la Spiderman) from his right arm.
I'm in the less-is-more camp. Maybe try night splinting to see if we get any stretch and see how it goes. The good news is that, according to all OT's, while Brody has fine motor "delays" he can do everything he wants to do with the hands as they are right now.
We're waiting to get another opinion from a hand surgeon in Denver. In the meantime, if anyone has any experience with this, we'd love to hear your thoughts!
Other than that, all is well. I had an ultrasound on Brody's little brother today - 32 weeks! He is growing right on track, with a due date of December 3. My blood pressure is still nicely controlled, and I saw the baby blink on the ultrasound, and he has hair! We scheduled the c-section for December 1, in case I make it that far. The bubba weighs as much as Brody did when he was born: 3 lbs, 12 oz. Now all we need to do is firm up a name (Brody and I have a favorite, but Jeremy is still on the fence).
Thank you for checking in!
I'm really writing this update as a call for information, if any of you have experience with bilateral radial hypoplasia (club hands).
First, some background: Brody was born without thumbs and without radius bones in his forearms. When one does not have radius bones, the hands grow inward - at around 90 degrees (or more). The first surgical step is to centralize (ie, straighten) the wrist, so that it comes off the arm at 180 degrees, not 90 (increasing reach and functionality).
We've done that on both of Brody's arms. One arm - the left, dominant hand - is doing a great job at staying straight. The other arm has a mind of its own, and has come back to almost 90 degrees, despite the surgery.
We've consulted with Shriners and with the occupational therapists at Children's Hospital in Denver. Here is the gist of what they say: this happens. Sometimes the surgery doesn't work as well as we would hope. It's a constant tension/battle between surgical procedure vs. an arm that naturally grows its own way, ie, 90 degrees. When Brody reaches skeletal maturity, at 16 or 17 or 18, we can - if Brody wants - surgically fuse the hand onto the end of the wrist, so this issue does not reappear in adulthood.
The options we are faced with now are:
1. Re-do the surgery. Risks? Affecting the growth plate on that arm, stunting that arm's growth (his arms are already around 60% of average arm length).
2. Serial casting. Putting Brody in an arm cast to hold his hand at 180 degrees, for 3 weeks, to stretch the tendons out. Then creating a night splint that Brody sleeps in.
3. Night splint only.
4. Nothing.
We've told Brody repeatedly - since he is now at the age that he can understand what we're tlaking about at doctors' appointments - that we love his arms and think his hands are marvelous. In fact, the OT said his right thumb was stronger than his left, and he uses it more. Nevertheless, Brody says he wants the right hand to get straight. Why? Two reasons: 1. He wants it "to match" his other arm; and 2. He wants to be able to shoot webs (a la Spiderman) from his right arm.
I'm in the less-is-more camp. Maybe try night splinting to see if we get any stretch and see how it goes. The good news is that, according to all OT's, while Brody has fine motor "delays" he can do everything he wants to do with the hands as they are right now.
We're waiting to get another opinion from a hand surgeon in Denver. In the meantime, if anyone has any experience with this, we'd love to hear your thoughts!
Other than that, all is well. I had an ultrasound on Brody's little brother today - 32 weeks! He is growing right on track, with a due date of December 3. My blood pressure is still nicely controlled, and I saw the baby blink on the ultrasound, and he has hair! We scheduled the c-section for December 1, in case I make it that far. The bubba weighs as much as Brody did when he was born: 3 lbs, 12 oz. Now all we need to do is firm up a name (Brody and I have a favorite, but Jeremy is still on the fence).
Thank you for checking in!
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Brodyisms, and gossip from daycare
Brody is starting to tell me the news from daycare. We always ask how his day was (then he asks how ours were). It's very cute.
Lately, he's told me the following:
Zach called the teacher "stupid" and then he ran under the grey table and the teacher was maaaaad. And he said, "Miss Susan, you are stupid" and then he ran.
Cadence cries a lot because she takes toys that aren't hers and puts them in her cubby.
Noah pooped on the floor of the bathroom, and Mr. David had to clean it up and he wasn't happy at Noah. (Brody laughed and laughed and laughed)
***************************************
Also, I took Brody to work one day, and as we were driving home, we passed by the State capitol. I said, "Look Brody, that's where the people make the laws!"
He said, "Day make da laws?"
I said, "Yes! That's where they make laws!"
And then he said, "And where day eat squirrels?"
***************************************
Also, he received a transformer Bumblebee for his birthday. It's one of the ones that actually transforms from yellow car to yellow robot. Last night at dinner, he was examining underneath the car, and proclaimed, "Dere's Bumblebee's arms, and feet, and penis." Because, really, why wouldn't a transformer robot have one?
***************************************
The boys went to Shriners last week - a post for a different day - to have an exam done on Brody's right hand. The right hand is back to 90 degrees off the wrist, and the fingers are very stiff and not moveable. For example, when Brody shoots webs while playing Spiderman, he only uses his left hand (this becomes important in a second). The issue up for discussion is whether to do another surgery on that hand to get it straighter (and increase his reach by 3 inches). I talked to Brody about whether he wanted the surgery. I told him I really like his right hand just the way it is. He thought about it, and then said, "No I want da doctor to make my hand straight. So I can shoot webs wis it."
And that's why Brody is not quite in charge of his medical care.
Lately, he's told me the following:
Zach called the teacher "stupid" and then he ran under the grey table and the teacher was maaaaad. And he said, "Miss Susan, you are stupid" and then he ran.
Cadence cries a lot because she takes toys that aren't hers and puts them in her cubby.
Noah pooped on the floor of the bathroom, and Mr. David had to clean it up and he wasn't happy at Noah. (Brody laughed and laughed and laughed)
***************************************
Also, I took Brody to work one day, and as we were driving home, we passed by the State capitol. I said, "Look Brody, that's where the people make the laws!"
He said, "Day make da laws?"
I said, "Yes! That's where they make laws!"
And then he said, "And where day eat squirrels?"
***************************************
Also, he received a transformer Bumblebee for his birthday. It's one of the ones that actually transforms from yellow car to yellow robot. Last night at dinner, he was examining underneath the car, and proclaimed, "Dere's Bumblebee's arms, and feet, and penis." Because, really, why wouldn't a transformer robot have one?
***************************************
The boys went to Shriners last week - a post for a different day - to have an exam done on Brody's right hand. The right hand is back to 90 degrees off the wrist, and the fingers are very stiff and not moveable. For example, when Brody shoots webs while playing Spiderman, he only uses his left hand (this becomes important in a second). The issue up for discussion is whether to do another surgery on that hand to get it straighter (and increase his reach by 3 inches). I talked to Brody about whether he wanted the surgery. I told him I really like his right hand just the way it is. He thought about it, and then said, "No I want da doctor to make my hand straight. So I can shoot webs wis it."
And that's why Brody is not quite in charge of his medical care.
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Obsession
Obsessed.
No longer with Christmas.
But definitely with baby.
What did I think about before?
I’ve had birth dreams two nights in a row – all goes well. Mostly. In one story, the OR where I will have my c-section is attached to the mall, and I get lost in the mall – hospital gown and IV pole attached – and can’t find my way back to the OR part. Even when I’m rollerskating around the mall. In the other dream, after he is born, J and I have to attend a “political” rally with the baby, who just sort of slid out of me painlessly (turns out the rally is really more of a religious cult, looking back but I don’t think that’s the point of the dream).
But the baby is fine and healthy in these dreams. And very cute.
I watched NICU while home with a cold this week. I look for pictures of newborns. They are so squishy and wee. I look for baby announcements and silly, adorable hats for him to wear.
I registered at Target, for goodness sakes. After telling Jeremy it was inappropriate because it’s our second baby.
Brody heard us talking about whether we will have a shower (I did state firmly that that was inappropriate). Then later that day, Brody said, "If we put my brudder in da shower, den he will grow."
We have a name, I think. Brody sort of picked it. We had a few and this name is the one he liked. It was strange how opinionated Brody was about the name. No to this one, no to that one. Firmly and without hesitation. Brody listens every day to his brother, lifting my shirt up wherever we are, and putting his ear to my stomach. I’ll ask him what his brother is doing, and he’ll say “Babies don’t talk” and then explain that his brother is farting or drinking milk.
My friend Stacy dropped off a truckload of baby toys and, naturally, Brody loves to play with them. But when Mocha, the dog, started sniffing one, Brody said, “No, Mocha! Dat’s fer my brudder!”
We have a changing table in our living room because the “baby’s” room is still a guest room because we have nowhere to put the bed at the moment. I think if we actually put the baby’s room together right now, I might never leave it.
I want him here now, but not now really but closer to Thanksgiving but I wish it was mid-November right about now.
I want to see what he looks like, who he looks like and whether he has black hair like Brody did ...
My birthday is December 23, and the legend goes that I came home in a giant red and white Christmas stocking on Christmas day.
Years ago, my mom gave me that same Christmas stocking.
I want to bring him home in it.
No longer with Christmas.
But definitely with baby.
What did I think about before?
I’ve had birth dreams two nights in a row – all goes well. Mostly. In one story, the OR where I will have my c-section is attached to the mall, and I get lost in the mall – hospital gown and IV pole attached – and can’t find my way back to the OR part. Even when I’m rollerskating around the mall. In the other dream, after he is born, J and I have to attend a “political” rally with the baby, who just sort of slid out of me painlessly (turns out the rally is really more of a religious cult, looking back but I don’t think that’s the point of the dream).
But the baby is fine and healthy in these dreams. And very cute.
I watched NICU while home with a cold this week. I look for pictures of newborns. They are so squishy and wee. I look for baby announcements and silly, adorable hats for him to wear.
I registered at Target, for goodness sakes. After telling Jeremy it was inappropriate because it’s our second baby.
Brody heard us talking about whether we will have a shower (I did state firmly that that was inappropriate). Then later that day, Brody said, "If we put my brudder in da shower, den he will grow."
We have a name, I think. Brody sort of picked it. We had a few and this name is the one he liked. It was strange how opinionated Brody was about the name. No to this one, no to that one. Firmly and without hesitation. Brody listens every day to his brother, lifting my shirt up wherever we are, and putting his ear to my stomach. I’ll ask him what his brother is doing, and he’ll say “Babies don’t talk” and then explain that his brother is farting or drinking milk.
My friend Stacy dropped off a truckload of baby toys and, naturally, Brody loves to play with them. But when Mocha, the dog, started sniffing one, Brody said, “No, Mocha! Dat’s fer my brudder!”
We have a changing table in our living room because the “baby’s” room is still a guest room because we have nowhere to put the bed at the moment. I think if we actually put the baby’s room together right now, I might never leave it.
I want him here now, but not now really but closer to Thanksgiving but I wish it was mid-November right about now.
I want to see what he looks like, who he looks like and whether he has black hair like Brody did ...
My birthday is December 23, and the legend goes that I came home in a giant red and white Christmas stocking on Christmas day.
Years ago, my mom gave me that same Christmas stocking.
I want to bring him home in it.
Monday, September 20, 2010
Insight
Lately, the last several weeks, I've been obsessed with a holiday.
Christmas, in fact.
Yes, I'm born right before Christmas, yes, it's my favorite time of year. But really, since July I would say, when I bought a Christmas tree or two, (since cancelled) I have been bewitched by Christmas.
Why?
I have figured it out.
I am fixated by Christmas because I want the bubba to be here, safe and sound.
And by Christmas, he will be.
And that is when I can rest easy.
I'm torn this whole time, still. After viability, after entering the third trimester, after feeling him kick every day. I’m still unable to be completely believe it will be okay. It’s so improbable, it’s so fantastical and miraculous and unexpected and incredible, how can it come to actually happen?
I feel better knowing why I was obsessed with Christmas. It makes it feel less urgent to happen.
And I have forgiven myself for not ever fully embracing pregnancy. It's like, for me, embracing open heart surgery. Yes, it is miraculous when it works, but I've seen it fail too often.
But I do know that I am grateful for pregnancy. Even when I look forward to its successful conclusion with a compulsive bent.
And as for the why, as in, why do I get so lucky twice, this quote came into my head this weekend:
There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio
Than are dreamt of in your philosophy.
I don't have to know the why. At least, not yet.
Christmas, in fact.
Yes, I'm born right before Christmas, yes, it's my favorite time of year. But really, since July I would say, when I bought a Christmas tree or two, (since cancelled) I have been bewitched by Christmas.
Why?
I have figured it out.
I am fixated by Christmas because I want the bubba to be here, safe and sound.
And by Christmas, he will be.
And that is when I can rest easy.
I'm torn this whole time, still. After viability, after entering the third trimester, after feeling him kick every day. I’m still unable to be completely believe it will be okay. It’s so improbable, it’s so fantastical and miraculous and unexpected and incredible, how can it come to actually happen?
I feel better knowing why I was obsessed with Christmas. It makes it feel less urgent to happen.
And I have forgiven myself for not ever fully embracing pregnancy. It's like, for me, embracing open heart surgery. Yes, it is miraculous when it works, but I've seen it fail too often.
But I do know that I am grateful for pregnancy. Even when I look forward to its successful conclusion with a compulsive bent.
And as for the why, as in, why do I get so lucky twice, this quote came into my head this weekend:
There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio
Than are dreamt of in your philosophy.
I don't have to know the why. At least, not yet.
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