I thought about 2 hours ago that I'd be blogging about my contractions. But now, I have this thing to write. Because I feel so inadequte to deal with it. Oh, the contractions have slowed. I'm on bedrest.
I was laying with Brody after we read our books for the night. We talked about letters and sounds they make. And then he said, "My friends ask me what's wrong wis my arm." And he held up his right arm.
I asked him what he said to them. He said, "I tell dem I'm getting a checkup."
I asked him how he felt when they asked that question. I said, "Do you feel happy? Or sad? Or strange?"
He was silent and he wouldn't look at me. He said finally, "I feel strange. I feeled ..... embarrassed."
And then I hugged him so hard and I told him he had nothing, nothing to be embarrassed about and that his arms were perfect and beautiful just the way they are and I love him and his arms and his nose and when someone asks him what's wrong with his arm he should say "Nothing" and then I told him he was just born that way and he can do everything he wants to and it's cool to be different and have a hand that looks different because it's boring to be the same. And he was hugging me like I was hugging him and my tears were falling into his hair and I just kept telling him over and over how much I loved him and how wonderful and beautiful he is.....
And then I said, "what do we say when your friends ask what's wrong with your arm?" and he said, "Nothing!" and I said "And it's cool to be different," and he said "Yeah! Cool," and he started playing with a toy that he'd been holding and because of how his wrist is bent he can fit it into a part of the toy so I said how cool it was that he could do that with his hand and how his friends couldn't do that....I couldn't do that.
Then he was quiet again and I asked him what he was thinking about and he said what to be for Halloween and now he wants to be Superman. And I made him laugh and giggle, and held him until he fell asleep.
But what the hell?
Already? He feels shame, and that's on us, isn't it? We missed it, and our boy felt ashamed of himself. And I never want him to feel embarrassed again.
So what do I do? We tell him we love his arms but he hears us talking to OTs and surgeons about straightening it. Is that how he learned it? How do I make whatever he learned that made him feel bad go away?
My beautiful, sweet, smart, strong son.
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