20 years ago

20 years ago....

I was 18 years old.

I was home on winter break.

I went to the mall with a friend and ate dinner.

I went to my sister Donna's house after the mall.

I listened to Donna answer the phone.

I listened to Donna say that mom just got home and found daddy on the floor of the kitchen and had called the ambulance.

I sat in the car trying to remember how to do CPR.

I walked into my house, and noticed the paramedics weren't doing anything, no rush, no urgency.

I remember our Christmas tree was up.

I remember my dad lying on the floor in the kitchen. Only our dog, Lucky, had been home with him.

I handed one of the medics one of the pieces of equipment he had left in our office.

I remember there was no autopsy because my dad's doctor was sure it was a heart attack.

I remember his stocking was hung up on the fireplace mantel, with all of ours.

I remember my brother in law Mark trying to hug me and I shrugged him off.

I remember not wanting to see my dad's body.

I remember it took a long time for the funeral home to get him.

I remember waking up the next day and being astonished that Good Morning America was on, and that the Detroit Free Press did not mention my dad dying.

I remember seeing him in the casket and thinking how artificial & still he was.

I remember my brother in law Sam, married to Donna, crying as much as the rest of us. And it was an odd comfort.

I remember learning how important and kind it was for my friends to come to the funeral. For me.

I remember being worried about what my brother Eric was doing, and how much I loved him for giving such a stirring and beautiful eulogy.

I remember Angie coming to the cemetery, and her crying when we each put a rose on top of the casket.

I remember how sunny and freezing it was, but I didn't feel cold.

I remember the weird gathering at some place that was catered after the funeral. I thought it was so strange. But now I see it was necessary.

I remember how hollow my 19th birthday was, but my friends Angie and Megan took me to Windsor, and gave me a Michigan State sweatshirt I still have.

I remember how fiercely my mom would hug me every time I left her presence, how often we all said "I love you" to each other.

I remember looking at his clothes in the closet, and seeing his things around the house, like his infinte number of reading glasses.

I remember taking one of his plaid flannel shirts, which I still have.

I remember kissing him goodnight the night before, on the back porch, while he watched TV. I remember I gave him a real hug and kiss, instead of the sullen perfunctory teenage "g'nite."

I remember.

And I wish.

I wish I wish I wish...

That he could know Brody, bevase those two would love each other.

That I had one more minute, one more conversation, one more hug.


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Location:Denver