I'm just putting this all out there.
I scheduled a gender check ultrasound at a private ultrasound place. For July 10 at 10am. Brody, Jeremy and me.
I can't wait until July 27, which is the next obgyn ultrasound.
Now that I've done that, I'm a mess of nerves. This week- immune testing, and I get the quad screen results back. I keep thinking that at the ultrasound, the tech will find something horribly wrong, like no kidneys or half a spine or a massive hole in the heart. And then Brody would be there and I'd break down and he'd be scarred and and and....
I almost just went by myself, without telling the boys.
It was like that in the beginning. J didn't come to an appt until just after the first trimester. I just was fine, less nervous by myself. Like I can handle devastation better if I can process it by myself first.
What the hell, right? That seems malfunctioning.
For my third miscarriage, my sister and 6 year old nephew were at the appointment. Routine appointment; we'd already seen the heartbeat once. But no heartbeat.
For every bad thought, I force myself to think of a positive. Thursday I heard her heartbeat. 150 bpm. I think about that.
18 weeks. 18 weeks. 18 weeks.
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