Monday, July 5, 2010

July 10

I'm just putting this all out there.

I scheduled a gender check ultrasound at a private ultrasound place. For July 10 at 10am. Brody, Jeremy and me.

I can't wait until July 27, which is the next obgyn ultrasound.

Now that I've done that, I'm a mess of nerves. This week- immune testing, and I get the quad screen results back. I keep thinking that at the ultrasound, the tech will find something horribly wrong, like no kidneys or half a spine or a massive hole in the heart. And then Brody would be there and I'd break down and he'd be scarred and and and....

I almost just went by myself, without telling the boys.

It was like that in the beginning. J didn't come to an appt until just after the first trimester. I just was fine, less nervous by myself. Like I can handle devastation better if I can process it by myself first.

What the hell, right? That seems malfunctioning.

For my third miscarriage, my sister and 6 year old nephew were at the appointment. Routine appointment; we'd already seen the heartbeat once. But no heartbeat.

For every bad thought, I force myself to think of a positive. Thursday I heard her heartbeat. 150 bpm. I think about that.

18 weeks. 18 weeks. 18 weeks.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

1 comment:

Hef said...


*We* scheduled a gender ultrasound check at a private place on 7/10 for 10:15am! Of course, 10am will come a few hours earlier for me on the east coast, but holy cow that's cool that we're kind-of-sort-of doing it at the same time.

We're going to make absolutely sure that we're having a girl since my ultrasound was done so early (18 weeks, but I was measuring 16) and the tech didn't seem that convincing ("I think it looks like a girl"). Of course now, after I've had 6 weeks to sit on the "it's a girl" thing, I'll be re-devastated if it turns out to go the other way. I'm gung-ho pink team now. LOL. Anyway, this isn't my blog... I just thought that it was so cool that we scheduled the same thing on the same day at pretty much the same time.

As for everything else, I can relate. Part of me was hurt that J didn't get excited about the pregnancy in the very beginning, which was kind of ridiculous because it took me so long to accept it as "real" and get excited. In fact, it's only been recently that I've really thrown myself into the mindframe that we WILL have a baby and this is an awesome thing. And I haven't been through nearly as much as you guys. (On the flip side, I make *myself* sick with my baby-crazy frame of mind these days. It's all I want to think, talk, read, and care about... at least that's how it seems.)

Can't wait to hear how it goes. Do you have a doppler at home this time?