Thursday, June 3, 2010

What if this works? Like, really works?

The sugarplum wrote back.

I was driving to work yesterday, and I started gagging. Then dry heaving. Then all out vomiting.

Since it was 8am, I had on dress clothes, and full application of bare minerals. You know when you throw up, your eyes water? I looked in the rear view mirror - after I had pulled over to vomit in peace - and there were streaks of white going down my face. A couple of women saw me- I looked like a horror movie.

And I was nauseous the rest of the day.

So this afternoon, I was most happy when we saw the heartbeat again. It was the portable ultrasound, so we saw a giant head, two legs, two arms, and one determined beating heart. Jeremy was there too. It hit him, and now it's hitting me.

What if this works?

Jeremy has started planning. But, "We just sold all our baby stuff, didn't we?" he asked. Yes, yes we did. I just laughed.

I have no worries about baby equipment. I have worries about being given a life that I long ago thought was lost to me. How do I reconcile that? It's like the world I love is being eclipsed by a world I always wanted and never thought I'd be able to have and I wonder, why me? But for once, it's not this self-pitying why me, but a genuinely curious, really, universe?, befuddled.... why me?Why do •I• get the rainbow?

I asked Brody if the baby is a boy or a girl. He's pretty sure it's a boy. And he wants to name him Castle.

Thank you for your prayers and good thoughts and wishes. xoxox

Also, we have about 500 pics from France, but we can't download them and our monitor is dead. J and I also created a list of things the French do well, and don't do well. I'm hoping to post them for posterity.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

8 comments:

Shannon said...

Why you??? It's pretty obvious why. Because you are awesome, amazing, wonderful and YOU DESERVE IT! And that amazing little boy of yours deserves to be a big brother! He will be a fantastic one too. I can't wait, it's just all so exciting!!!
xoxoxoxoxoxo

Robyn said...

Sweetie, it's going to work. It's working. She's a determined, stubborn little booger, like her mommy.

SaRaH said...

I hope you throw up all day.

SaRaH said...

And all night if need be.

Hez said...

Well...
I ditto Shannon, Robyn and Sarah!!

Christine said...

Wenches. Broads. Dames. You all make my heart glad, even whenyou call me booger and wish vomit upon me. Also, I'm 14 weeks pregnant. I thought I was barely 13. Huh..

Hef said...

It's working and you're going to have two miraculous children and I couldn't be happier for you, Momma. Congrats!

Stacy and Jon said...

I know just what you mean about the rainbow. I often look at my two Chinese darlings and am astonished that we not only hit the jackpot once, but TWICE in one lifetime. You absolutely deserve that rainbow--how lucky for your children to have a mommy who realizes what she has and knows their value.
As for the baby gear--I have a ton of baby toys, a crib, and a mountain of girls' clothing (and some boys') with your name on them. Our nephew (born 3 hours ago) has claimed the rest of the boy stuff. I need you to have a girl!!!