Saturday, March 5, 2011

Restoring my chi

Nothing for weeks, then 2 posts in one day!

I'm ok. The kids are wonderful. Working full time is hard. Not just getting out of the house on time in the morning, not just being on top of our game at work if we've been up a few times overnight, not just remembering to put makeup on AND deodorant AND brush my teeth, not just paying atttention at work when I'd rather be with my boys, but the sheer energy it takes to be good at both things, employee and mother, not to mention wife, sister, friend. It's exhausting. I've forgotten to bring Valentines to school, write thank you notes, get the mail, pay the car payment, meetings....but right now the boys are fed, clean and clothed. So am I. Jeremy's on his own.

I did manage to go on a field trip with Brody's preschool class. I did manage to at least pick up the registration forms for kindergarten. I feel like I do laundry all the damn time, and yet none of us ever have clean clothes.

I went to brunch with my friends, five other women whom (who?) I really adore. Our girls' weekend that was to be in Steamboat Springs in August turned into, over unlimited prosecco at brunch, a girls' weekend in Vegas. So far, it seems cheaper.

I've pretty much lost touch with a friend I've known since kindergarten. I miss her, but just cannot seem to get the time to reconnect.

Another friend in town has breast cancer. She's 3 years older than me, with two little girls. Another friend is in the process of adding to her family. I try to be a decent friend, but I think really, one little Liam makes me unable to be there at times.

Liam. God he is cute. He smiles ALL.the.time. He laughs in his sleep. He slept 9pm -6am one night this week. He is fat in the best ways, with rolls in his thighs and a huge belly and cheeks that hang over his face. When I kiss his face, his whole face and body smiles, like it's the best thing that's ever happened to him. He has these amazing big eyes that seem like they are navy blue, with light blond eyelashes that are almost an inch long, and still no discernible eyebrows. He laughs at everything Brody does. At three months, he can wear size 6 mos clothes and the newborn sizes are inches too small. So different this time around.

Brody. Brody still so protective and so much wanting to include Liam in everything we do. He plays with Liam when Liam is fussy, and if we don't get to Liam fast enough when he cries, Brody scolds us, "Mommy! Daddy! Liam is CRYING!" He won't sleep over at my mother in law's house anymore because he doesn't want to leave us. He is very much ready for kindergarten, but I worry about teasing. Although he seems to have friends spontaneously at the playground, or the trampoline park. His vocabularly is ever expanding, and he cannot understand why the stepmother in Cinderella is evil, why anyone is ever mean, or why anyone ever steals. He asked me last week if we could change his real name to Bolt, the super dog, and randomly tells me I'm "pretty and beautiful." He also asked for another little brother. (No.)

Our house is bursting with toys and clothes and games and gear and just....crap. I want to get rid of it all but I'm so tired after we get home from work, make dinner, clean up dinner, put the boys to bed, that all I can do is fall into bed myself, perhaps stare blankly at the TV, then pass out. If you saw my car, you'd think I lived in it.

Since I went back to work, I've gotten two bad colds, followed by larnyngitis both times, and sprained my foot falling down the stairs holding Liam (he was unscathed). It's been 3 weeks for the foot, and NO I didn't go to the doctor for any of these things. My foot is still swollen, but it appears to be healing, just stupid slow. I didn't even have sick leave until March 1 since while on FMLA leave we don't accrue sick leave. I started getting ANOTHER sore throat Friday morning. I stopped at Whole Foods on the way home and got echinacea, probiotics and ColdSnap. The ColdSnap has restored my chi. That's what the box says it will do. I feel actually better than I have in weeks. I don't know what chi is but maybe it's like mojo.

Today I slept in from 6am to 830, then we went to the park, walked a MILE around the lake after playing, used a gift card to PF Changs, then J and B went to see Rango while Liam and I came home to nap (this was after much discussion by Brody about how we COULD take Liam to the movies if only we brought a bottle and a diaper).

One last thing: Brody and Liam's school - the one that is not charging us for Brody anymore - is holding a fundraiser. Lots of items under $10 and lots of flower bulbs, chocolate goodies, jewelry, kitchen gadgets. If you want. go to http://www.thefundfactory.com/ and click on "Order online" at the bottom of the page. Remember to give them the code number ACHI28 (allcaps).

May your chi be with you.

A thousand words



















- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Friday, February 4, 2011

Melancholy

It's quiet. It's Friday at 1040pm and everyone is sleeping except for me.

J has the flu. Neither of the boys do. I have laryngitis still.

But it's quiet in my head too. Not peaceful, but quiet. Tired.

This was my first week back to work. Eight weeks old and Liam is at daycare all day. He doesn't seem to mind, he smiles all the time, but I mind.

I don't know if it's because I turned 40 in December, I just gave birth, it's winter, or something else, but...I'm down. What's that word? Anti climactic. Life is anticlimactic these days. I don't know why I'm surprised by this, because you can't really beat "free trip to France" and "miracle baby" in a calendar year. And I didn't expect to. But something is definitely not.... right with me.

It's like everything is exactly the same, but absolutely everything is different.

Work is a powder keg ready to explode. But I'll tell you what, I am blessed there too. With coworkers, if not bosses, who believe in me, stand by me, and pull me up when I'm down. That's one thing about trial lawyers, that us vs. them mentality can really circle around you and make you feel better.

But .... 20 years from now will I care that I went to work? Do I EVER look back on a case and think, yeah, that was worth my time. By the time I arrive on scene, my clients are already getting sued, and they are stressed out, angry, and worried. At the end of the case, even if everything goes well and in my clients' favor, they all think, and many say, "No offense, but I hope I never have to work with you again."

Where's the fun in that?

My mom says to remember that my job is not just to argue, but to fight for justice. Meh.

I am burned out. And I think I realized that just before maternity leave, and I really embraced it during leave. I got a taste of NOT working. I got a taste of being .... just me.

But then everyone hates working, right? No one really adores their job, right?

When I went back to work with Brody, it was almost a relief. I could talk to adults, and think just about myself for a few hours. With Liam... so much is different. With  Brody he was so small (3lbs) and so our focus was on growing him, making him bigger, as fast as we can. The smallness of him was not really a blessing. With Liam, the smallness of him is one of my favorite things about him. And I think he's huge, until you sit him next to the giant Addison, age 4 months, at daycare. But I want to soak his smallness into me a little while longer. I want to submerge myself in my boys and our home. I do not want to rush in the mornings, and rush at night, and wish I had more arms to carry the dirty clothes, car seat, blankies, and coats back and forth from home to daycare. I just don't. And I never felt that way until now.

It doesn't help of course that at my job, you are only as valuable as your last mistake, regardless of the hundreds of thousands - millions? - you have saved the clients. The universe could not underline the question better: I'm giving up this for that?

But of course, there are bills to pay. And I make a pretty good living. Not as much as a lawyer working in private practice, but then, I see my kids much more than lawyers in private practice.

The only way I've managed to survive this week is to think to myself, this is temporary. This job, this frantic pace, this failure to stop moving.

Liam smiles with his whole body, just like Brody. They smile at each other for no reason other than they are there, in the same space, usually both on my lap. Brody told me "Me and Liam are the best brothers ever." Liam sleeps a lot and eats even more. Usually, most nights, he gets up once at an obscene hour, then again after 530am. He's getting enormous rolls in his thighs, and a big belly, and cheeks that hang off his face. He smiles in his sleep all the time and when you give him a pacifier, his fists and arms and legs all jump, like they are trying to leap into the pacifier.  He nuzzles my neck with his face, and I think I will die of his cuteness when he roots for milk with his mouth.

And it seems kind of wrong that I give that up 10 hours a day to go earn... money. Is that the price I put on Liam and Brody? Is that what they are worth? Or my experience of them is worth?

It's quiet. It's Friday at 11:00pm and everyone is sleeping except for me.




Thursday, January 13, 2011

Secret smile

























Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Location:On the treetop

Thursday, January 6, 2011

Brightness
















- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Monday, January 3, 2011

Brodyism with best picture ever

Me: Brody, don't step on the dog.
B: I'm not, I'm just petting him wis my socks.




- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Sunday, January 2, 2011

One month
















- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone