Friday, December 3, 2010

Early Christmas gift

Today was rough. Liam is still in the NICU, and Brody is completely scared that I'm in the hospital. He won't climb on the bed with me, but he doesn't want to leave me either. This is added to the disappointment that Brody hasn't yet met Liam because Liam is in the NICU, and kids aren't allowed in cold and flu season.

And we havent held Liam yet because he had the CPAP headgear on.

So it was very upsetting to me tonight when Brody broke down tonight. Jeremy was taking him home and J told him they'd have a "boys night" and Brody crumbled. "No! I don't want to have a boys night! I want us all to be together! I don't wanna leave!" and then, sobbing, he crawled under the chair in my hospital room and closed his eyes.

Then I started crying, and when we hugged he cried those body shaking sobs and I had absolutely no words of consolation for him. He doesn't understand and I miss him too.

Then they left, J carrying a wet-faced, sniffling, bereft Brody, and then I was alone. One son needs me to cuddle him and play with him but I can't and a new son needs me to feed him and cuddle him and I can't.

After crying some more, I went to the NICU and sat with Liam, holding his hand through the window of the crib.

Then the nurse asked if I wanted to hold him. She took off the CPAP gear, and I got to hold my Liam.

And all the months of worry and fear and hidden love came out and I started crying all over again and told him all the things I'd wanted to tell him for forever and he looked at me and squeezed my fingers and his hair feels like velvet and I can't even tell when I'm touching his skin he's so soft and he fell asleep in my arms and I fell asleep in his and for those two hours, all was right in the world.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone


SaRaH said...

no words just pure joy

Hef said...

oh, momma, he's just perfect

i'm so happy for you

i promise it will get easier... your boys will be beyond fine and you're slightly larger family will be home swimming in baby love *together* in no time

have i mentioned how happy i am for you?

but you'be GOT to stop making me cry!

lizcraciun said...

What a rollercoaster day. I remember how hard it was for my older ones to understand when I was stuck in the hospital and their little baby twins were, too. He's absolutely gorgeous! So, is he just in the NICU for breathing assistance and growth? Any idea how long it'll be before you both get to go home?

Robyn said...

My heart is full.

Stringham Family said...

Nothing like a good cry before bed.

Love you.