And we havent held Liam yet because he had the CPAP headgear on.
So it was very upsetting to me tonight when Brody broke down tonight. Jeremy was taking him home and J told him they'd have a "boys night" and Brody crumbled. "No! I don't want to have a boys night! I want us all to be together! I don't wanna leave!" and then, sobbing, he crawled under the chair in my hospital room and closed his eyes.
Then I started crying, and when we hugged he cried those body shaking sobs and I had absolutely no words of consolation for him. He doesn't understand and I miss him too.
Then they left, J carrying a wet-faced, sniffling, bereft Brody, and then I was alone. One son needs me to cuddle him and play with him but I can't and a new son needs me to feed him and cuddle him and I can't.
After crying some more, I went to the NICU and sat with Liam, holding his hand through the window of the crib.
Then the nurse asked if I wanted to hold him. She took off the CPAP gear, and I got to hold my Liam.
And all the months of worry and fear and hidden love came out and I started crying all over again and told him all the things I'd wanted to tell him for forever and he looked at me and squeezed my fingers and his hair feels like velvet and I can't even tell when I'm touching his skin he's so soft and he fell asleep in my arms and I fell asleep in his and for those two hours, all was right in the world.
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